My husband and I are completely different.
I mean, I know that goes without saying. There’s the whole male/female thing. What I’m saying is that we operate in COMPLETELY different ways.
He operates under the ‘everything is great’ premise, while I operate under the ‘at any minute we could face disaster’ premise.
A couple of years ago we took the kids to the beach. It had been a long time since we’d been to the ocean so I prepped them on the drive down.
Thank goodness we had twelve hours.
We went over drowning protocols, jellyfish scenarios and practiced CPR. It made time go so much faster.
When we got to our house on Dauphin Island it was dark but Lee wanted to take the kids to the ocean. You know, to say hello. So we climbed up a sand dune and followed the sound of the ocean. We got lost in some brush and had a family argument. I’m sure everyone on the island heard it. Some kids were crying and one lost a flip flop.
We made it there, though, and could almost see the ocean. I think Lee felt vindicated that the kids were as happy as the were to be near the ocean.
In daylight we could see that we had chosen the wrong path, the one that led to the crappy part of the beach. I didn’t gloat, though.
I was satisfied with a look of superiority.
Our beach, as we called it, was perfect. It had shallows where clusters of hermit crabs were gathered, ripe for us to examine. There was a long stretch of sand we could walk out on and there was a deeper part perfect for body surfing. I found a spot on the beach to sit and watch.
Thirty minutes later Lee came up to sit with me, smiling, covered in sand, and slightly out of breath.
“You having fun watching the kids?” he asked.
“No. I’m looking for sharks. I heard on the radio that one was spotted this morning by a fishing boat. Also, a local man drowned last week while fishing so we need to keep an eye out for undercurrents,” I answered.
Lee was looking at me like I was nuts.
“Is that what goes on in your head?” he questioned.
“I packed some snacks if you’re hungry,” I deflected. He smiled and started rifling through the bag, “I didn’t want anyone getting low blood sugar or dehydrating.”
He huffed and headed back to the water.
It works out pretty well in his favor, though, that I plan for disasters. Because when things do go wrong I’m there with an amazing plan.
Unless I’m overly tired. Then I’m not so great with a plan.
A few weeks ago we were driving back from an ultimate frisbee tournament in Ohio. The hotel was nice but someone in our group snores. I’m not naming any names, but it’s not me or any of the kids. Well, I do snore but not that night. What I’m saying is that I had no sleep for two nights.
There’s only so much coffee can do that for that situation.
We were driving home by way of Cincinnati when a strange beeping started. At first I thought it was my phone, but no, that wasn’t it.
My next assumption was that the car was getting ready to explode and that we needed to immediately pull over. This caused some of the children to begin panicking.
Well, just Liam. Kiley and her beau were laughing, like it was a joke.
As if there were no way that the car could blow up.
Anyway, we have an AED that we take with us. That’s not part of my planning for natural disasters. Three of the kids and I have Long QT Syndrome so the AED is a precaution, like an epi-pen.
Kiley applied her logic and deduced that it was the AED, which had been tilted on its side for a little longer than it was apparently happy with. We uprighted it and the beeping stopped.
I took a nap.
Before I fell asleep, though, I remembered when I had a job at a video store when I was in college. I’d been watching The Godfather before I closed the store for the night. It was about ten o’clock at night, so I was sleepy. When I got into my car I heard ticking and assumed someone had planted a car bomb.
I wish I was making this up.
I called Dad and begged him to come and investigate. I think I was crying. I’m glad I didn’t call 911. It seems I had forgotten that I had an old fashioned alarm clock in the glove box. I liked to take naps in my car in between classes and needed the alarm to wake me. (It was before cell phones, and my watch beeping would not wake me).
Dad rolled his eyes and went home.
One day my husband and the rest of the people who just enjoy life as though nothing bad could ever happen will be thankful that they have people like me.
They will rue the day that they laughed at me! Then I won’t be a ‘worry wart’ or ‘nervous Nellie’! No! Then I will be their hero, the one that they look to in times of trouble.
If only they didn’t count on me for meal planning.
I think zombie apocalypses are my specialty.
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